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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29763744">Things the staff of DS9 are no longer allowed to do</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TotallyARealPerson/pseuds/TotallyARealPerson'>TotallyARealPerson</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Star Trek Fic Dump [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Deep Space Nine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Light Swearing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 00:13:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,017</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29763744</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TotallyARealPerson/pseuds/TotallyARealPerson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Rule 8: Just because Jadzia's hair conditioner makes a half-decent sealant, you cannot use it as a sealant when you've run out of the real stuff.</p><p>Lots of cracky crack.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jadzia Dax/Worf</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Star Trek Fic Dump [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1717804</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>THINGS THE STAFF OF DS9 ARE NO LONGER ALLOWED TO DO</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Rule 1: No quoting movies from the 20th to the 22nd century. No one will understand your references and it's rude.<br/>Rule 1.1: No quoting stories no one else has read.<br/>Rule 1.2: No quoting from Holosuite programs no one else has played.<br/>Rule 1.3: No quoting from the dictionary.<br/>Rule 1.4: No references.<br/>Rule 1.5: No pop culture that come from before the twenty-second century.<br/>Rule 1.6: I can't believe it took this long to say it, but Julian, NO QUOTES OR REFERENCES OR ANY KIND!</p><p>Rule 2: Julian, while we respect your love for the disgusting replicated tomato soup, please just eat the good tomato soup Sisko made for us all. You don't want to make him cry again, right?</p><p>Rule 3: Odo is banned from participating in scary holosuite programs.</p><p>Rule 4: -</p><p>Rule 5: The rule above is stricken, and Quark is banned from adding rules to The List. Also, keep The List codes very close, we don't want to be hacked again.</p><p>Rule 6: Please delete your GalaxyNet history once a day. Please.</p><p>Rule 7: Miles, no matter how much your baby cries, you are not allowed to take him to work with you.</p><p>Rule 8: Just because Jadzia's hair conditioner makes a half-decent sealant, you cannot use it as a sealant when you've run out of the real stuff.</p><p>Rule 9: There is a fine line between friendly ribbing and outright bullying. Do not cross this line.<br/>Rule 9.1: Pursuant to this rule, no more shoving people over tables.</p><p>Rule 10: Different species mean different body chemistry. If you're having someone over for dinner, make sure it's friendly to their chemical makeup. I've had enough of two hundred simultaneous cases of food poisoning.</p><p>Rule 11: Benjamin Sisko's cold food storage areas are very large and they spontaneously grow in response to each time he gets a new shipment of fish. Do not enter without a combadge and make sure children know they're not to enter in.</p><p>Rule 12: Sisko, we think it's wonderful you love piloting the Defiant, but quit acting like Godzilla. Please.<br/>Rule 12.1: This rule applies to you too, Worf.<br/>Rule 12.2: I formally apologize for referencing Godzilla in this rule.</p><p>Rule 13: If we can hear your music from the next room, it's too loud.<br/>Rule 13.1: If you hear knocking, it's not necessarily at the door. If there's no one at the door, take it as a signal for 'shut up', 'stop humming', or 'I'm trying to sleep so shut the f*ck up'.<br/>Rule 13.2: I formally apologize for using the word 'f*ck' in rule 13,1. It has been censored. I would also like to apologize to the parents of the child who has now started using 'f*ck' as a verb.</p><p>Rule 14: Do not use The List as a means for apologizing. Doing it in person is more sentimental.</p><p>Rule 15: Having a trench coat is fine, especially since the Infirmary is always cold anyways, but why did you have to make it white, say 'Yondaime Hokage', and have red fire patterns on the bottom hem?<br/>Rule 15.1: Julian, get a trench coat in the appropriate colors and don't reference Naruto so deviously anymore.<br/>Rule 15.2: That does not mean making a black trench coat with the Japanese characters for 'head medic' with a Starfleet symbol on the back and a hem lined with blue fire. It's still considered a reference.<br/>Rule 15.3: It doesn't say 'head medic', is says 'star fleet officer'. Deal with it, or I'm going back to the Yondaime coat, dattebayo.</p><p>Rule 16: If you can find a suitable replacement, yes, you can ditch the utility belts. I know they're bulky and everything always falls out of the weird pouches because they're only one-quarter the way inside the weird pouch thing. On that note, don't use the waistband of your pants or your boots.<br/>Rule 16.1: Good. F*cking. Luck.</p><p>Rule 17: Do not disturb the Senior Staff while they're sleeping if you're not doing it via combadge. Each have gone through mental trauma and often have night terrors. If you yell them awake, they're less likely to be complacent as when you shake them awake - also less likely to try and murder their bedpartners. When you shake them awake, you're likely to get a knife to your jugular.<br/>Rule 17.1: On that note, it's very rude, and I have trained Worf's therapy dog to go for the throat.</p><p>Rule 18: Julian, we understand why you have repressed anger towards the Dominion. But this is enough, and you have got to find a way to deal with it.<br/>Rule 18.1: Look at the dagger calling the throwing knife sharp. I distinctly remember you showing up for work late one day ranting about Cardassians and how you wanted to... Excuse me, the quote just slipped my mind. I believe it was something along the lines of 'they should be punched in the face, bisected, and fed to little Bajoran babies', save with many more details I don't care to repeat and several hundred expletives.<br/>Rule 18.2: Similarly, Captain. We know you're a connoisseur of knowledge concerning the Earth 2010 and 2020s, but please shut up about Donald Trump being an 'absolute f*cking moron'.</p><p>Rule 19: No more Rube Goldberg machines to do things like pouring cereal. We have replicators for that, y'know.</p><p>Rule 20: Yes, Sisko, well-done steaks are a travesty and should never be tolerated, but GET YOUR F*CKING TONGS OUT OF OTHER PEOPLES' FACES!</p><p>Rule 21: Reminder that we have an air filtration system here, but it does not filter scent. Whoever's been playing with scented candles, S T O P.</p><p>Rule 22: Julian, I really thought I taught you to lie better than this. Section 31 does most certainly not want to keep you for demented sexual fantasies concerning genetic enhancements (somehow). If you're going to lie, lie better than that.</p><p>Rule 23: No more reading porn outside of the privacy of your quarters. People are likely to read over your shoulder and you're likely to drop your padd somewhere and forget about it. I don't need more people asking me whether they can please punch you in the face, even though it wouldn't hurt.<br/>Rule 23.1: Similarly, I do not need parents coming to me ranting about how their children asked what an orgasm was. 'They already had the sex speech planned out', they said, 'but they never thought to prepare a speech concerning orgasms', they said. Keep your F*cking books within arm's reach or I will take out Murder Mode. No joke.</p><p>Rule 24: No Murder Mode (save in life-threatening circumstances).<br/>Rule 24.1: I'm allowed to exude f*cking Killing Intent if I f*cking want to. F*cking orgasm speeches...</p><p>Rule 25: Just a friendly reminder than euphemisms and expressions don't necessarily mean the same thing in different languages. They also have a completely different verbal system. Don't assume someone is saying a swear word if they're speaking in a native language. The word 'ass' in Bajoran means 'foam', while in Federation (standard), it is the swear for 'butt'. Please do not assume anything.</p><p>Rule 26: Worf, none of us know where you got all those animals you hide whenever one of us visits, and while we're impressed with your mad skills in hiding them, how did you actually get them?<br/>Rule 26.1: On that note, stop trying to pawn one of the kittens off on my family. We already have Chester. He's enough.</p><p>Rule 27: Sisko, speaking in riddles is just as annoying as Julian making references none of us understand. Stop it.<br/>Rule 27.1: I can hardly help it when my mind if f*cked up.</p><p>Rule 28: Going around the Promenade screaming about zombies is not okay. I thought you learned from ridiculous excuses.</p><p>Rule 29: Ridiculous excuses are not going to be tolerated. Your hair is not dyed, it's impossible to get caught in a sandstorm, or ion storm, or rainstorm, or blizzard, or run into a kitten up a tree, or be lost on the road of life, and it doesn't matter that you've found a piece of string, or that you had to sew up a tear in your jacket, or anything else you've fabricated. Please stop insulting our intelligence.<br/>Rule 29.1: But I really did lose my combadge that one time!</p><p>Rule 30: Don't mess with Odo's bucket. He might not sleep in there anymore, but it's still rude to defile someone's property.</p><p>Rule 31: My cute little overachievers, no matter what you've been taught at the Academy, DO NOT WRITE MISSION REPORTS IN CODE.</p><p>Rule 32: No sugar highs. Please.</p><p>Rule 33: Don't let Julian have caffeine in the mornings. The resulting disaster is beyond explanation.</p><p>Rule 34: For any reason whatsoever, do not keep Kira from her caffeine.</p><p>Rule 35: Julian, the method you use to keep track of when girls are on their menstrual cycle is unfair. Share the information with the guys or stop doing it altogether.<br/>Rule 35.1: Doctor, I'm going to be generous and give you the benefit of the doubt and you're not a weirdo of this level of weirdness. Start explaining or I'll beat the crap out of you.<br/>Rule 35.2: I don't even know what you're talking about. I don't track the menstrual cycle of every woman on the station. Such a thing is a waste of my time. Which is to say, I would have to devote a hundred hours a week at least to keep track of who was on their menstrual cycle. I'm not a gossip freak.</p><p>Rule 36: The next person who says anything about my prune juice being odd for a Klingon warrior is getting a Bat'leth to the chest.</p><p>Rule 37: No flirting on duty.</p><p>Rule 38: Notify people a month in advance when their parents are coming to the station so we can be on a nice f*cking long journey a hundred miles away from the station when that happens. Please.<br/>Rule 38.1: Julian, there's no need to be so dramatic.<br/>Rule 38.2: Last time my parents came to the station, I was revealed to be an illegal genetically enhanced freak. The expletives are unnecessary, sure, but they do drive the point home.<br/>Rule 38.3: Point taken.</p><p>Rule 39: Do not turn in paperwork in the form of pornography.<br/>Rule 39.1: For the record, it was rather well-written porn, so kudos to you Lissara, but don't do it again, and I expect your actual report on my desk before the end of the day.</p><p>...</p><p>"Dear god, what is wrong with this Senior Staff?"</p><p>"Apparently, they enjoy playing pranks on each other, sir."</p><p>The Admiral sighed. "Are we sure we need an updated copy of the Rules by this point? One of them probably involved no dumping paint cans on the filing ensigns."</p><p>The Admiral's assistant fidgeted.</p><p>"There... isn't actually a rule that says no dumping paint cans on other member of the staff, is there?"</p><p>"Rule 217.3, sir," the assistant looked cowed and winced.</p><p>The Admiral banged his head on his desk. "What the hell was rule 217?"</p><p>"Rule 217: 'Do not antagonize the filing ensigns for doing their jobs in an unorthodox manner, because that would make you the biggest hypocrites who have ever hypocrite'ed."'</p><p>"... Well, then."</p><p>"Yes, sir."</p><p>"Would you please leave me alone for a bit?"</p><p>"Of course, sir."</p><p>The Admiral's assistant came back three hours later with a raktajino, when her boss had finally stopped banging his head against the nearest wall.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Against his better judgement, and to see whatever else was ridiculous enough to warrant a rule, the Admiral and his Assistant kept reading.</p><p>Rule 40: The Senior Staff are not allowed to bring tribbles on the station anymore. It's ruining my business.<br/>Rule 40,1: Who let Quark on the List again?<br/>Rule 40,2: I did.<br/>Rule 40,3: And who the f*ck are you?<br/>Rule 40,4: Nice try.</p><p>Rule 41: When we say to keep your imaginations in check, fucking keep them in check. The last time they didn't, the station was nearly destroyed.<br/>Rule 41,1: I already apologized for that weird bastardization copy of you, Zia! What the hell else do you want me to do?</p><p>Rule 42: No more cursing on the List. It must all be censored.<br/>Rule 42,1: F*ck your f*cking censoring habits, you motherf*cking c*cksucking sh*tfaced *ssf*cking c*nthole.<br/>Rule 42,2: Screw you too.</p><p>The Assistant giggled.</p><p>"It's not funny, stop laughing."</p><p>Rule 43: What did we say about giving Julian too much caffeine?<br/>Rule 43,1: F*ck you, I'll drink whatever the f*ck I wanna drink!</p><p>Rule 44: Magic is prohibited in Ops.</p><p>Rule 45: Children are prohibited from coming in Ops.</p><p>Rule 46: Dignitaries and ambassadors are prevented from coming to Ops without permission from a member of Senior staff.<br/>Rule 46,1: Unless it's Dr Bashir, in which case, kick them out anyways.</p><p>Rule 47: Garak is prohibited from setting foot in Ops.<br/>Rule 47,1: I will go wherever I please.</p><p>Rule 48: Garak is not allowed on the List again.<br/>Rule 48,1: Of course, my dear.</p><p>Rule 49: I'm serious, Garak.<br/>Rule 49,1: I'm being perfectly serious as well, dear Doctor.</p><p>Rule 50: STOP FLIRTING AND F*CK ALREADY!</p><p>Rule 51: Randomly coming into the Infirmary with blood on your uniform and a bloody harpoon is not acceptable.<br/>Rule 51,1: Security will be called if you do it again.<br/>Rule 51,2: My apologies for it happening a third time.</p><p>Rule 52: -<br/>Rule 52,1: SEE! AND YOU WONDER WHY WE KEEP QUARK AWAY FROM THE LIST!</p><p>"What the hell did he write?"</p><p>"Fuck if I know."</p><p>Rule 53: Sitting in the corner of the school just to drink tea is making my students twitchy, Bashir. Why do you keep doing it?<br/>Rule 53,1: I have no clue what you're talking about, Keiko.<br/>Rule 53,2: Odo?<br/>Rule 53,3: I'm not that good at faces.</p><p>Rule 54: No having sex in the Infirmary. That's my place of work. Just no.</p><p>Rule 55: No having sex it my office.</p><p>Rule 56: No having sex in my bar. I can hear you guys. Take it to the holosuites - at least they have soundproofing.</p><p>Rule 57: No having sex on the Defiant. The walls are really, really thin.</p><p>Rule 58: No eating in Engineering.</p><p>Rule 59: Printing off documents just to shred them in unnecessary. Stop it.</p><p>Rule 60: The paper in paperwork does not have to be taken literally.<br/>Rule 60,1: Do not make it into origami, either.</p><p>Rule 61: Music is prohibited in Ops.<br/>Rule 61,1: It is, however, permitted in the Infirmary, especially during surgeries.</p><p>Rule 62: Intoxication while on duty is forbidden.<br/>Rule 62,1: Yes, that includes changelings.</p><p>Rule 63: No having sex in Engineering.</p><p>"There it is," the Assistant chuckled. "I was wondering when 'don't have sex in Engineering' would show up."</p><p>Rule 64: Decorating the Bridge is not allowed.</p><p>Rule 65: This includes not toilet-papering the Bridge.</p><p>"Was that actually a problem at one point?"</p><p>"Keep reading."</p><p>Rule 66: Cosplay is not permitted during work hours.</p><p>Rule 67: The Founders do not want to keep you as a sex slave, Odo. Captain, you should tech your security chief to lie better. (Adml Krajensky)</p><p>"Was this rule recorded before or after the incident on the Defiant in which Odo killed another changeling after said changeling attempted to Link with him?"</p><p>The Assistant sighed.</p><p>Rule 68: Quark is not allowed anywhere near the walls of Ops with a bucket of paint.<br/>Rule 68,1: Especially if Jadzia (Cmmdr Dax) thinks it's a good idea.</p><p>"Okay, now I'm curious."</p><p>Rule 69: Weyoun is not allowed in Ops.<br/>Rule 69,1: Especially when accompanied by Dukat or Damar.</p><p>Rule 70: Captain, the proper solution to any problem is not immediately Rakjajino.<br/>Rule 70,1: Julian, it's not immediately Tarkalean Tea either.<br/>Rule 70,2: -<br/>Rule 70,3: No, it's not 'burn everything to the ground and start over again' either.<br/>Rule 70,4: Especially when mixed with alcohol.</p><p>Rule 71: Nog, can you explain why the interior of the Filing rooms are now orange?</p><p>The Assistant and the Admiral looked at each other, then turned back to the PADD's screen. "Orange?"</p><p>Rule 72: Jadzia, while your techniques are certainly interesting, don't do it again. The repairs are beginning to put a dent in our budget.</p><p>"What budget could that possibly be?"</p><p>"Well, the Bajorans still use Latinum, don't they?"</p><p>Rule 73: Whoever's stalking me, stop it. I'm getting paranoid about stalkers I can't prove exist.<br/>Rule 73,1: Worf, you don't have a stalker.<br/>Rule 73,2: SEE!</p><p>Rule 74: Garak, can you explain why we found a little Bajoran crying about snake people twenty feet from your shop?<br/>Rule 74,1: Beats me.</p><p>"I don't think I want to know the answer to that one."</p><p>Rule 75: Julian, you're not allowed to flirt with visiting dignitaries.<br/>Rule 75,1: Especially after they promise to kill your stalkers.</p><p>Rule 76: No one is allowed to reply to cold-blooded ambassadors when they say 'You'd be surprised what I can do with my tongue' with 'Hmm. Tempting.'</p><p>Rule 77: -<br/>Rule 77,1: Ensigns, you have to stop answering to any of the Senior Staff's orders with 'Jawohl, mein Fuher!'. The rule where you were forced to say that has been erased.</p><p>Rule 78: Can anyone explain why Nurse Jabara was holding a drunken rave in the middle of the ore processing center?</p><p>"That's not a question I need an answer to," The Assistant said as she shut off the monitor.</p><p>"Where are you going?" the Admiral asked.</p><p>"Lunch. I'm starved."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please give me prompts. Prompts are always appreciated.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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